I’m back in London and it’s 2022. The year’s changed but my bedroom’s the same. I should tidy up. Outside, the same grey street, it’s still raining.
My family have a tradition of keeping New Year’s resolutions and, in true type-A fashion, they have to be S.M.A.R.T. (Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Relevant, Time-Based). But looking back on last year’s resolutions is often kind of depressing. And as it so often happens, in 2021 it feels like I didn’t achieve all that much.
I was talking to my sister, rattling off all the things I didn’t do: “I still didn’t make a film, I didn’t write anything good, I didn’t do my yoga teacher training, etc. etc.” All a bunch of empty promises.
“You’re being too hard on yourself,” she assured me, and named all the things I’d achieved without tangible evidence, all the areas I’d tried but not gotten the outcome I’d hoped for.
I pretty much spent the whole year working on a short film, Charades – redrafting and redrafting, then casting and applying for funding. Only to then not make the film. Thinking about the project now what comes to mind are the people I’ve disappointed, all the people that believed in the project, asked about it and gave me the confidence to work on it. The actors I cast. The producer who spent his time reading scripts, giving notes, thinking about budgets and practicalities. That’s often the most disappointing thing about not keeping these resolutions. They don’t just let yourself down, but also the people you’ve told them to.
So why didn’t I make the film? It’s only a short film, at the end of the day. Yeah yeah, so I didn’t get the funding. But I could’ve made the film for £5, if I’d really wanted to. That wasn’t the problem. The real reason must be a lack of self belief. I’d tried so hard to write something that made sense to other people that, by the time I was finished with it, it made no sense to me at all.
This is no way approach failed resolutions. Maybe failure is the best outcome because I still learned something. And maybe the intention of setting a resolution (no matter how SMART) doesn’t have to be to tick it off once it’s done. If we tried, if it brought us somewhere a bit further along than where we were, maybe that’s good enough.
For example: I didn’t make the film, but I did receive notes from the BFI about the script. I learned about the casting process (and met some great actors). I learned how to apply for funding. I learned to trust my own gut, to make the film that I want to make. And that sometimes listening to someone else isn’t always the bests idea. Even if it didn’t happen this year. I’d been so concerned with making something that would appeal to X and Y and Z that I forgot why I was making it at all.
Here’s a couple of resolutions for this year:
- Use this blog to publish weekly (or just about).
- Share interesting stuff. And be willing to embarrass myself
- Leave my bedroom more often. (I really do spend too much time here)
- Finish a first draft of my longer writing project
- Start my yoga teacher training
- Meditate, consistently.
Meditation Diaries
I’ve been trying to meditate consistently. I used Headspace for a couple of years, but using the app on a regular basis I was never sure if I saw any effects. Or like I was deepening my practice. I found it a lovely way to begin to meditate, but I can’t say that after using Headspace for so long I really got meditation. (But maybe there’s nothing to get and it just wasn’t right for me).
A couple of weeks ago I switched to the app Waking Up (Sam Harris’ app). I discovered it through listening to Henry Shukman on Tim Ferris’ podcast, then found Shukman’s course on Waking Up. The app has a great way of weaving philosophical ideas into the practice, and it’s allowed me to understand meditation on a deeper level.
Somehow all of this has all led me to the London Buddhist Centre. Starting this Monday I’ll be taking part in its 4 week meditation challenge. Every morning from 07:30 – 08:30 I’ll be joining in on a meditation over zoom. There’s also evening classes on Tuesdays and Wednesdays, and I’ll try to attend in person at least once a week.
I thought the blog could be a great place to collect my thoughts, and at the end of every week I’ll try to write up some of the things I learned, my own experiences, and publish it here as my Meditation Diaries… Maybe this all seems kind of ego driven (because why would anyone care about my meditation), and maybe the point of meditation isn’t to go off and write about it. But I’m seeing it all as a part of discovery, and yes, maybe the eventual lesson will be to just keep it to myself.
